Bleach kareoke crack
by TheDrunkenWerewolf
Summary: Bleach people plus alcohol plus karaoke equals total madness. Aizen, Gin and many others attempt to sing karaoke songs. My attempt at humour. A story originally written for Crazyfeatherhead, but I do take requests. Contains nothing but OOC-ness and crack.
1. Bad

Okay before we start - I do NOT own bleach or any of the songs.

This first chapter is for my beta Crazyfeatherhead.

But if anyone else likes it - I shall appreciate any feedback you decide to feed to this starving writer.

* * *

**Chapter 1: Bad**

It was quite late in the evening and Aizen and co were enjoying a drink – well okay, many drinks – in a small, if not seedy, bar on the outer edge of London. There were many others there also, including Szayel, Ulquiorra, Kira and others, all of whom were wearing clothes from the real world.

Everyone was drinking and having fun, when about halfway through the night the DJ turned on the karaoke machine and beckoned the people to sing. And so, this began numerous attempts at performing the songs from the drunken audience. The first of which was Sousuke Aizen.

"Go on Aizen, I dare ya. Somethin' by Michael Jackson."

"Very well Gin I accept your dare." Aizen stated as he then staggered quite drunkenly up to the microphone. Then yelling out something incoherent to the DJ regarding his choice of song. He then took one final hit from his cigarette before extinguishing it beneath his foot just as the music started playing.

He grabbed the microphone just after he had altered his hair to its post-betrayal style and then started to sing with the utmost professionalism. Considering he was halfway towards drunk.

_Your butt is mine  
Gonna take you right  
Just show your face  
In broad daylight  
I'm telling you  
On how I feel  
Gonna hurt your mind  
Don't shoot to kill  
Come On, Come On,  
Lay it on me all right...  
_

He glared at his enemies in the audience: namely Kurosaki Ichigo and all of the other shinigami from the Soul Society that were now giving him disapproving looks as he sang. No doubt that he was singing this to all of the people who had little respect for him…

He would show them. He would show them all.

_I'm giving you  
On count of three  
To show your stuff  
Or let it be . . .  
I'm telling you  
Just watch your mouth  
I know your game  
What you're about  
_

If anyone said that he was not enjoying himself then they would indeed be lying. Aizen, singing about being bad… of course he would love doing that. The plain white t-shirt, dark denim jeans and black converse trainers he was wearing did wonders for his image. Having a decent singing voice as well probably also contributed. Undoubtedly, this song suited him. He was really getting into it.

_Well they say the sky's the limit  
And to me that's really true  
But my friend you have seen nothing  
Just wait 'til I get through . . ._

His voice did have an uncanny sound to it, much like the original artist of the song. Aizen thought that he must have liked singing about being bad as well. Well, Aizen was going to use this song to illustrate a point. And to prove to Gin, and everyone else for that matter, that he could in fact sing. Even Yamamoto was impressed by this point.

_Because I'm bad, I'm bad-  
Come on  
(Bad Bad-Really, Really Bad)  
You know I'm bad, I'm bad-  
You know it  
(Bad Bad-Really, Really bad)  
You know I'm bad, I'm bad-  
Come On, You Know  
(Bad Bad-Really, Really Bad)  
And the whole world has to answer right now  
Just to tell you once again,  
Who's bad . . .  
_

Now breaking out into a dance - a seemingly rehearsed dance - Aizen began to emphasise the movements of his hands and feet. Practically strutting around the stage now and doing a fairly accurate Michael Jackson impersonation. Dancing and shaking his hips as he sang. He twirled around on the spot again and smacked out his arms with his head facing to the right and looking down. He then resumed singing again.

_The word is out you're doin' wrong  
Gonna lock you up before too long,  
Your lyin' eyes gonna take you right  
So listen up don't make a fight,  
Your talk is cheap you're not a man  
You're throwin' stones to hide your hands_

_But they say the sky's the limit  
And to me that's really true  
And my friends you have seen nothin'  
Just wait 'til I get through . . .  
_

He really was enjoying himself. Or at least Gin thought so anyway, and so did the masses of his fangirls. All of which were going wild as Aizen danced like Michael Jackson. The security guards were having a hard time restraining some of them from clambering onto the stage and dancing with him. The crowd absolutely loved it. Sousuke was pouring everything into this performance, enthusiastically hitting every note and smirking his signature grin. Trying to prove a point.

_Because I'm Bad, I'm Bad-  
Come On (Bad Bad-Really, Really Bad)  
You Know I'm Bad, I'm Bad-  
You Know It  
(Bad Bad-Really, Really Bad)  
You Know I'm Bad, I'm Bad-  
You Know It, You Know  
(Bad Bad-Really, Really Bad)  
And The Whole World Has To Answer Right Now  
Just To Tell You Once Again,  
Who's Bad . . ._

Momo, who was also in the audience, looked even more mesmerised than the many fangirls that were there. She just sat there as if in some sort of trance. Completely hypnotised by Aizen and his sultry voice, as he danced and sang and moonwalked his way across the stage. Making every single one of his many, many fangirls scream in delight. Then like a woman possessed, she started to shove past everyone in an attempt to get to be near Aizen. Yelling such profanities as she shoved past them all as Toshiro looked at the scene, unimpressed.

_We Can Change The World Tomorrow  
This Could Be A Better Place  
If You Don't Like What I'm Sayin'  
Then Won't You Slap My Face . . .  
_  
_Because I'm Bad, I'm Bad-  
Come On  
(Bad Bad-Really, Really Bad)  
You Know I'm Bad, I'm Bad-  
You Know It  
(Bad Bad-Really, Really Bad)  
You Know I'm Bad, I'm Bad-  
You Know It, You Know  
(Bad Bad-Really, Really Bad)  
_

He then went into what looked like a well rehearsed and well choreographed dance routine, consisting of many leaps and hand movements, much like in the original artists numerous music videos. He also flicked his hair once of twice for good measure. He then grabbed his crotch with one hand and threw the other one into the air and thrusted forward in a classic Jackson style amateur impression. Then proceeding to moonwalk (properly) the rest of the way across the stage and twirl in front of the microphone stand just in time for the end of the musical interlude. Momo had fainted by this point.

_Woo! Woo! Woo!  
(And The Whole World Has To Answer Right Now  
Just to tell you once Again . . .)  
You know I'm Bad, I'm Bad-  
Come On  
You Know I'm Bad, I'm Bad-  
You Know It-You Know It  
(Bad Bad-Really, Really Bad)  
You Know, You Know, You Know, Come On  
(Bad Bad-Really, Really Bad)  
And The Whole World Has To Answer Right Now  
Just To Tell You  
(Just To Tell You Once Again)  
Who's Bad?_

Aizen quickly turned to the audience again for that last line and then waited a few moments before walking off the stage, very satisfied with the reaction he got from the audience. Taking his seat next to Gin he then asked rhetorically,

"Well, was that good enough for you?"


	2. Be happy

I have the most amazing beta in the world. She gave me the link to my fave yaoi manga so I could read it! Yay! (I've only ever read the first volume in book form) So this one be for her. Cuz she requested it~ and cuz she's awesome. And knows just how much I need this crack after so writing so much angst.

This goes straight from the last one. So err…. Carry on!

* * *

**Chapter 2: Be happy **

"Wow, tha' were amazin'."

Aizen shook his head at Gin after taking his seat.

"And you lot doubted me…"

"Hey, do ya reckon we can get uLqui-chan to sing one too?" Gin then asked, quietly as he sat next to Aizen, watching Ulquiorra sitting there stoically drinking his orange juice.

"Hmm, I don't know Gin. Do I smell another wager coming from you?"

"Nah, I'm still recoverin' from th' last one." He said, rubbing his lower back. "This's jus' a challenge to see if we can get 'im to sing fer us all."

Aizen smiled evilly. Then placing another order for three more drinks to be delivered to their table. Each one thoroughly intended for Ulquiorra. Gin grinned wildly.

"Oh uLqui-chan… do ya wanna 'nother drink?"

"Oh, no thankyou Ichimaru sama."

"Eh? Aw c'mon loosen up a lil bit will ya?"

"But I do not like alcohol."

Gin was stunned. Shocked even. How on earth someone could turn down alcohol was beyond him. Especially gin, because that was Gin's favourite.

"Whaaaa? Won'tchya jus' have one lil bit?"

Ulquiorra just sat there staring at him in his usual manner. Until Aizen stepped in.

"Ulquiorra, I order you to drink that beverage." He said sternly. He was only able to keep a straight face because of his deft acting abilities. As thusly demonstrated when he played the role of Sweeney Todd and made his appearance on Strictly Come Dancing with the BBC network as one of the professional dancers. So Aizen was very very good at acting.

"Yes Aizen sama." Ulquiorra said, subjecting himself to the amusing antics of Gin and Aizen's plan they had for him to try and get him to sing on stage. Which was quite easy since he was a bit of a lightweight when it came to alcohol.

When Ulquiorra downed the shot he had Gin giggled as he watched Ulquiorra become disorientated.

"OH here Ulqui kun, have some more!" he said, pouring more gin into his glass. Really, he hadn't had this much fun in ages.

"Bu- Hic, G- G- Gichimaru- samama, I don' I do- hic."

Gin was laughing like a crazy person now. Well, even _more_ of a crazy person than usual. And Aizen was trying and failing to hide his amusement at this point.

Until Szayel interrupted, quite impatient for some more entertainment.

"Aw man, who's gonna sing the next song?" he moaned, catching the interest of Grimmjow.

"Fine I'll do it…" Grimmjow sighed, getting out of his chair with as much enthusiasm as he could muster. Which as it turns out was none at all.

"Like HELL you will Grimmkitty!" Ulquiorra yelled at him, now quite tipsy at this stage, ignoring the fact that Aizen was giggling and refilling his glass once more.

"Did… did he just call me 'Grimmkitty'?"

"Yes, yes I did." Ulquiorra pouted, folding his arms defiantly at Grimmjow.

"Which way is the stage Aizen sama?"

Aizen pointed towards it, slyly watching Gin telling the DJ what song to play in the corner if his eyes. Smirking his evil grin.

"Okay!" Ulquiorra then stated, falling over flat on his face while on his way up there to the microphone. Waiting for the lights to dim and the music to start. Tousen sitting there very un amused next to Gin and Aizen who were snickering like mad at their little plan.

"You two… are SO immature."

Gin and Aizen said nothing. They just laughed. Because they knew _exactly_ what was in store for Tousen's song later on that evening.

When everyone was quiet the music started, with Ulquiorra whistling as the jazz like beat came into play.

_Here is a little song I wrote  
You might want to sing it note for note  
Don't worry be happy  
In every life we have some trouble  
When you worry you make it double  
Don't worry, be happy......_

He was slurring just a little, and he was having some trouble keeping on his feet, but he was up there singing. Completely smashed of course. And Gin and Aizen both howled with laughter as Tousen just grunted. Everybody else seemed to like Ulquiorra's singing though.

_Ain't got no place to lay your head  
Somebody came and took your bed  
Don't worry, be happy  
The land lord say your rent is late  
He may have to litigate  
Don't worry, be happy  
Look at me I am happy _

His face started to become less and less stoic as the song continued. He was actually starting to smile. Ulquiorra, ever the emo arrancar, was actually smiling for once!

_Don't worry, be happy  
Here I give you my phone number  
When you worry call me  
I make you happy_

Needless to say, the Ulquiorra and L (uLqui) fangirls went crazy for it. His face indeed looked like it did when he was alive. It was like he was on a sugar high. He was enjoying himself. His grin became too stupidly wide to be Ulquiorra any more, so he just ended up looking like L again. He clasped the microphone with both hands and was really getting into the song now. Waving his arms in tune with the music. With every single person in the audience , apart from Tousen, and Gin and Aizen because they were laughing so hard, joining him.

_Don't worry, be happy  
Ain't got no cash, ain't got no style  
Ain't got not girl to make you smile  
But don't worry be happy  
Cause when you worry  
Your face will frown  
And that will bring everybody down  
So don't worry, be happy (now)..... _

He was covering all of the vocals, and he even did all of the whistling. It was like he was on happy pills or something. He had never smiled this much in his life. Grimmjow had already gotten his video camera out. Because there was no way in hell that he was going to let this opportunity to later blackmail the fourth espada. He too was very much amused. The fangirls were loving it though. Because they were going wild. Szayel was just downright speechless.

_There is this little song I wrote  
I hope you learn it note for note  
Like good little children  
Don't worry, be happy  
Listen to what I say_

Gin and Aizen, and heaven knows most of the espada, were in absolute stitches. Gin laughed until his ribs ached. Aizen's jaw hurt, but they still just couldn't stop laughing.

_In your life expect some trouble  
But when you worry  
You make it double  
Don't worry, be happy......  
Don't worry don't do it, be happy_

Ulquiorra's eyes were really wide now. Like a possums would be. He sang with much pleasure, he was really enjoying himself. He was drunk, yes, but actually happy singing this. It was ironic however that he was singing this particular song, because until today, Ulquiorra Schiffer has never smiled. That was probably what made it so amusing to Gin and Aizen. And probably everyone else included.

_Put a smile on your face  
Don't bring everybody down like this  
Don't worry, it will soon pass  
Whatever it is  
Don't worry, be happy_


	3. Not fair

Rating for this chapter goes up to mature for the lyrics.

Its embarrassing Izuru time! Mwuhahahahahahaha!

* * *

**Chapter 3: Not fair **

Both Gin and Aizen howled with laughter as Ulquiorra hit the floor face first as he staggered off of the stage. Tousen however, was still not amused in the slightest. He was however, when the manager of the establishment made an appearance at their table.

All of the evil laughing silenced at once. Gin laughed nervously.

"Oh, eh… heh heh heh…. Hi Trump sama…"

"OI, GinGin, the two ladies at the bar that actually _own_ The Pink Parrot don't pay you to slack off you know."

"But- but it's my day off."

"No excuses! Now get up there and perform!"

Tousen smirked as Donald Trump then walked off.

"Ha ha, Ichimaru you just got _told."_

Aizen just collapsed with fits of laughter again, clutching his sides as Gin growled quietly.

"Fine! If I gotta perform I migh' as well. Bu' they better pay me overtime fer this!"

"That's fine!" the dark haired barmaid called out from behind the counter, "We'll pay you for the one song. Any you do after that will be for your own amusement."

The other waitress perked up too. "EH? But Taichou… I thought he was off work tonight."

"Change of plan I guess…" the blank haired one said, wiping off another glass with her dishcloth and putting it back on the rack with the others.

"But don't we have to pay him?"

"We'll only pay him for one song, but he's a performer, he won't be able to do just one. You know what he's like."

"Isn't that slave labour?"

"Not over here it isn't..." she said, grinning as she watched Gin make his way backstage.

"Now where's he going?"

"Told you, he's a performer. He always has to go over the top with his acts..."

When he got backstage, Gin trotted on over towards the rack of clothes that they had.

"Oh wowie, they got new costumes in! Hm, lemme see wha' we got 'ere… Oh, this's sexy. I'll 'ave this one."

He then changed into his new outfit and folded the clothes he was wearing in his locker before making his way out onto the stage to face his audience. Snickering to himself.

Meanwhile, in the audience, Kira had just ordered himself a new drink and had just taken his seat when the lights were dimmed and Gin then strolled casually out onto the stage and took hold of the microphone, wearing a short and strapless red poofed out dress that came down to the mid length of his thighs, and with a corset like body. Kira spat his drink out everywhere. God he was even wearing _heels._

His fangirls though, went absolutely crazy.

"Evenin' all!"

Gin waited until the crowd quieted down before continuing.

"Now I gotta song 'ere for lil Izuru chan…. HI Izuru!" Gin waved, standing on his tiptoes and being his eccentric self on the stage.

He then signalled to the DJ to start the music and the cowboy western music did play and Gin started to sing.

"This ones fer you Izuru!"

_Oh, he treats me with respect, he says he loves me all the time  
He calls me fifteen times a day, he likes to make sure that I'm fine  
You know I've never met a man who's made me feel quite so secure  
He's not like all them other boys, they're all so dumb and immature  
_

It started off quite innocent enough. So maybe Kira had nothing to worry about this time. But Gin did like his pranks, and it was a prank that Izuru was getting.

_There's just one thing that's getting in the way  
When we go up to bed, you're just no good, it's such a shame  
I look into your eyes, I want to get to know you  
And then you make this noise and it's apparent it's all over  
_

Kira's face was absolutely priceless. The look of pure shock, horror and embarrassment all in one was worth even more than the Mona Lisa herself. Kira's bottom jaw practically fell off hit the floor.

_It's not fair and I think you're really mean  
I think you're really mean, I think you're really mean  
Oh, you're suppose to care  
But you never make me scream, you never make me scream  
_  
Of course it was all crack. Of course it was all lies. But nevertheless Gin was quite amused with his little joke on Kira. Gin was loving this. He did always like to embarrass Izuru.

_Oh, it's not fair and it's really not okay  
It's really not okay, it's really not okay  
Oh, you're supposed to care  
But all you do is take, yeah, all you do is take_

_Oh, I lie here in the wet patch in the middle of the bed  
I'm feeling pretty damn hard done by, I spent ages giving head  
Then I remember all the nice things that you ever said to me  
Maybe I'm just overreacting, maybe you're the one for me  
_

Gin stalked backwards and forwards across the length of the stage, wagging his finger as he sang. The fangirls went wild, and Aizen and everyone else from the Soul Society just couldn't stop laughing. Aizen was practically on the floor now, unable to even breathe much more because he was laughing so hard.

_There's just one thing that's getting in the way  
When we go up to bed, you're just no good, it's such a shame  
I look into your eyes, I want to get to know you  
And then you make this noise and it's apparent it's all over_

_It's not fair and I think you're really mean  
I think you're really mean, I think you're really mean  
Oh, you're supposed to care  
But you never make me scream, you never make me scream_

Kira was mortified. Utterly, utterly mortified. This was just horrible. Not only was Gin insinuating that they were an item, he was saying that he was bad in bed! Which was a lie anyway. But Gin just grinned his evil grin and just carried on like the professional that he was. Kira could only just sit there and cover his red face with his hand throughout the performance. Oh, would this song ever end?

_Oh, it's not fair and it's really not okay  
It's really not okay, it's really not okay  
Oh, you're supposed to care  
But all you do is take, yeah, all you do is take  
_

_There's just one thing that's getting in the way  
When we go up to bed, you're just no good, it's such a shame  
I look into your eyes, I want to get to know you  
And then you make this noise and it's apparent it's all over  
_

Gin was putting on his best breathy and sensual voice too, and his best singing voice, which wasn't helping matters either. The whole of the Seireitei was now going to think that he was an unpleasurable seme, and he would never live this down. As if the normal everyday rumours about them weren't enough, Gin just had to add fuel to the fire.

_It's not fair and I think you're really mean  
I think you're really mean, I think you're really mean  
Oh, you're supposed to care  
But you never make me scream, you never make me scream_

_Oh, it's not fair and it's really not okay  
It's really not okay, it's really not okay  
Oh, you're supposed to care  
But all you do is take, yeah, all you do is take_

And as Gin finally ended the song and the music finished, there was nothing more left for Izuru to do than to disappear slowly under the table from sheer embarrassment. And hope and pray that nobody would ever find him again. Or remember that any of this ever happened.

* * *

The Pink Parrot is the name of the bar in this fic. It is copyrighted to me and my beta. Theft of our pink building and seedy bar will not be tolerated.


	4. I like you so much better when

Yush another request! Squeee I feel so loved! This one be for skiggle. (and I love your username by the way dude, it makes me smile for some reason – it's a good thing)  
This one has some references to "The consequences of losing a bet" though, so it may seem funnier if you've read that one. It was to me… what with the cigarette thing and all. Its why I can't take it seriously anymore.

Enjoy Kira's revenge. All I have to say on this is that I ran out of stuff to say near to the end.

* * *

**Chapter 4: I like you so much better when you're naked**

Once the laughter had died down and Gin skipped his way off the stage giggling, Aizen finally managed to catch his breath again, as did everyone else. And Kira managed to crawl underneath the tables, managing to locate Aizen by banging into his legs. Only to hit his head on the table trying to get up and sit on one of the empty chairs.

"Why hello Izuru."

Kira laughed nervously, waiting for yet more laughing; only there wasn't any.

"Hi Aizen…"

"I swear Gin always takes his pranks too over the top. Don't worry about it; it will all die down soon."

Kira sighed, "Yeah, I hope so. But I would like to get him back before you guys go back to Huecco Mundo again. You know, just once…"

Aizen smirked, in quite possibly the most sinister fashion poor little Izuru had ever seen, and truth be told it did nothing for his nerves. Or his stress levels.

"Hmmm… maybe I can help you there…"

The both of them quickly went quiet as Gin skipped over to them, having finally stopped giggling to himself at his own immature humour. Still wearing his red dress as he pranced over to the table.

"Aiya that was fun! Oh, hi Izuru!"

"Ummm, hi, Taichou…" Kira replied, crawling out from under the table to sit next to Aizen, probably being a little too close to him for comfort. Just as Aizen got up and stretched.

"Well, I feel like another one." He said, taking a step to be behind Izuru's chair. Lowering his voice so that Gin wouldn't hear them.

"What song?"

"I like you..." Kira mumbled. "By Ida Maria."

"Done."

And with that Aizen walked off towards the stage again, leaving quite a confused Gin to sit down again next to Izuru. Perfect, he would be right there to see Gin's reaction. After all, there was only one person that had the ability to embarrass Ichimaru Gin, and that was Aizen Sousuke.

And so minutes later Aizen waltzed casually onto the stage with the microphone in his hand ready for another song which would hopefully make Gin regret embarrassing little Izuru. If it all went well that is. So the lights dimmed once more and the music started. It was quite an upbeat tune, and had a few jazzy undertones. And Aizen nodded his head in time with the beat as he stood on the stage again, then starting to sing as the music progressed. Casually informing the world that this song was going out to one Ichimaru Gin before he actually started singing the words of course. Otherwise it would have had no meaning, and thus, no purpose.

_Oh the clever  
things I should say to you  
They got stuck somewhere  
Stuck between me and you  
Oh I'm nervous  
I don't know what to do  
Light a cigarette  
I only smoke when I'm with you  
_

He let a sly smirk creep onto his face, for he knew that this would surely embarrass Gin. Knowing full well that this particular song would get right under his skin. And the fact that Aizen himself was a smoker only added to the effect the words had. His evil smirk widened some more as he sang out the chorus, loudly.

_(WOOoo)  
What the hell do I do this for? (WOOoo)  
You're just another guy (WOOoo)  
OK, you're kind of sexy  
But you're not really special  
_

Oh he was _really_ enjoying this now. He was really getting into the mood of the song, being the great actor that he is. And Gin's face dropping only added to his excitement. For he knew he could really go to town on this number. Of course, he would never tell you himself whether this was the truth or not. He tried to sound really innocent and sincere when he called Gin 'sexy', as per the song, and it must have worked impressingly well judging by the number of fainting ladies in the room and the cries of "HA! I knew it!" But only Aizen knew himself that he was merely – okay, extremely – exagerating.

_But I won't mind  
If you take me home  
Come on, take me home  
I won't mind  
if you take off all your clothes  
Come on, take them off  
_

Gin was cringing already, but really the fun was only just starting. Aizen just threw himself into the song, really putting everything into the vocals. Aizen swinging his hips from side to side in time with the music, as he half danced and half walked across the stage. Eagerly anticipating Gin's reaction as he threw into the chorus. Much to the delight and amusement of the audience. And the many, many fangirls that were there. Screaming, loudly.

_'Cuz I like you so much better when you're naked  
I like me so much better when you're naked  
I like you so much better when you're naked  
I like me so much better when you're !  
(Wow!)  
_

Everybody was laughing now, and Gin wanted to die. But Aizen carried on singing regardless. Gin thought this to be the longest three minutes of his entire life. He would never live this down, not ever. Nobody would let him. How on earth could he show his face to any of the Soul Society ever again after this little fiasco? He just couldn't. And the espada? Forget about it. His life as he knew it would be over. He tried to ignore the howls of laughter from Grimmjow and the rest of them, praying to god that none of those damned ryoka were there to see his misery. Which they most likely were.

_Oh the clever  
things I should say to you  
They got stuck somewhere,stuck somwhere  
Stuck between me and you  
Oh I'm nervous (I'm so nervous)  
I don't know what to do  
Light a cigarette  
I only smoke when I'm with you_

Gin wanted to go up there and grab the microphone away from him and protest to the audience,, but still Aizen would have carried on singing, and Aizen was more powerful than him anyway, even inside of a gigai, so he didn't even bother to try. He would just have to sit through the embarrassing ordeal.

_(WOOoo)  
What the hell do I do this for?(WOOoo)  
You're just another guy (WOOoo)  
OK, you're kind of sexy (WOOoo)  
But you're not really special_

Either Aizen forgot the rest of the words and just decided to improvise for the rest of the words of the song. He acted the part really well though, for to Gin this was all an absolute lie.

Aizen then began stalking across the stage from one end to the other and started enjoying the screams of the many fangirls present to their _fullest_ extent. Hell, he had to smile when he saw Momo fainting again. But Kira just took a contented sip of his drink sitting at the table, grinning at Gin's current expression. Which was a combination of embarrassment and pure horror that made Kira wish he had a camera on him to take a picture of it. _  
_  
_But I won't mind  
If you take me home  
Come on, take me home  
I won't mind  
if you take off all your clothes  
Come on, take them off  
_

From the way Aizen was singing now, one would actually think that Aizen did in fact have the hots for Gin. He was really playing it now. putting all of the right provocative expressions in all of the right places. Making lustful eyes at him too… everything he did, he did perfectly, and was all done without missing a single cue and not going off key once throughout his entire performance. The shock factor he felt just added to this.

_'Cause I like you so much better when you're naked  
I like me so much better when you're naked  
I like you so much better when you're naked  
I like me so much better when you're naked. Yeah!  
_

He dropped the microphone he was holding into its stand and then just casually exited the stage, leaving the giggling audience to calm down. Completely unfazed by it all as he strode back over to the table where he was sitting. Not at all bothered by the fact that as far as the audience knew, he had just practically confessed in front of a live audience.

But Kira knew otherwise. He was just sitting there and smirking evily, very much satisfied with the revenge he had gotten. Even though it wasn't exactly him that had exacted it. But revenge was revenge so he was going to enjoy it. He sighed as he watched Aizen come back to the table which both him and Gin were originally sitting.

"Aizen have I ever told you I love you?"

Aizen just smiled and pulled up his chair. "Don't mention it." he said, obviously taking that as a compliment to his evilness as Gin only managed to sit there and wish that the earth would open up to swallow him whole. Leaving Aizen to take another sip of his drink.

"Oh, and you can pay me back later Izuru."


	5. Barbie girl

Right. You've seen the title. Nobody die on me now. I mean it. I know what my crack does to you but you can't die on me.

Also, errrm, Tousen fans may wanna leave now. Otherwise, be mature enough to not give me grief over this. Bite me and I bite back - that's the way its always been with me.

Also, I don't know if your already doing this, but I do recommend listening to the songs at the same time as reading it. It helped for the writing. Well, apart from this one. I hate Barbie, and as such, I refuse to give her music videos on youtube more views.

* * *

**Chapter 5: Barbie girl **

Kira laughed nervously, again. "Why what ever do you mean Aizen Taichou?"

Aizen held up his drink and raised one of his eyebrows at Kira, eyeing him with… shall we say some less than pure intentions.

"Oh… wait a minute how drunk are you?"

"Hmm not very…" Aizen managed to slurr, trying to act suave before falling off his chair and onto the floor, having failed at flirting. To which Kira just shook his head and smiled. Aizen never changed.

Gin sniggered as Aizen climbed back onto his chair with rather messy hair, immaturely laughing at him and nearly inhaling his drink. Until Tousen demanded that he was going to sing next, which made him actually spit out his drink all over the table and cough.

"Eheh… What?"

"I said that I am going to sing next." Tousen stated, storming his way over to the DJ to make a request. Aizen wondering whether or not Gin had put something in Tousen's drink because he _always_ acted like a statue.

"Which way is the stage?"

Gin, Aizen and Kira all just sat there pointing in the direction of said stage, well, Aizen kneeling on the floor and half leaning on the table anyway, as they all watched Tousen make his way up there. And, either to the surprise or horror of the audience, he took control of the microphone to inform everyone that he was going to sing his favourite song.

Aizen thinking out loud, "Oh my dear God what are we in for now?" just as the music started and Tousen started to sing.

_I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world  
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!  
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere  
Imagination life is your creation_

_Come on barbie, let's go party!_

_I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world_  
_Life in plastic, it's fantastic!_  
_You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere_  
_Imagination, life is your creation_

Aizen had absolutely no comment to make as Kira burst into uncontrollable fits of laughter as Gin just looked on in horror, wanting to plug his ears up with cotton wool.

"Is… is he drunk?"

"I… don't know…"

The audience said absolutely nothing, as the possibly quite drunk Tousen sang on to the Barbie song, only quite a few people were leaving at this point, outraged that they had paid to come in here only to hear _this god awful singing. _Most of the other people were just laughing at him. At one point though a bottle was thrown at him and narrowly missed his head and smashing against the wall, incidentally thrown by the manager.

_I'm a blond bimbo girl, in the fantasy world  
Dress me up, make it tight, I'm your dolly_

_You're my doll, rock'n'roll, feel the glamour and pain,_  
_Kiss me here, touch me there, hanky panky..._

_You can touch, you can play, if you say: "I'm always yours"_

"Aizen, ya didn't put somethin' in 'is drink did ya?"

"Of course not Gin. I didn't because I wanted to avoid something like this."

"Oh, then if you didn', then… who did?"

Aizen's face only portrayed the feeling of pure horror that he was currently experiencing.

"I do not know, and I do not even care."

Gin just jumped up in excitement, suddenly producing a portable Kodak video camera from somewhere in his dress.

"Ooooh~ quick! Get the video camera out! We can blackmail him later!"

Kira was dying of laughter at this point as Gin stood up in his red dress and heels trying to get the best view with his camera.

_(ooh-oh-ooh)  
I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world  
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!  
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere  
Imagination, life is your creation_

_Come on Barbie, let's go party!_  
_(Uh-uh-uh-yeah)_  
_Come on Barbie, let's go party!_  
_Come on Barbie, let's go party!_  
_(uh-uh-uh-yeah)_  
_Come on Barbie, let's go party!_  
_(ooh-oh-ooh)_

The audience was in hysterics, many people also following Gin's lead and getting their camera's out to take still pictures; Gin was the only one with a video camera. Tousen was most likely extremely high, drunk, or stoned. The former being the most likely possibility. Either that or Tousen had a thing for Barbie. Gin was very much amused.

"Oh I can put this on youtube!" he squealed happily, not going to miss a chance to humiliate Tousen. Especially over the internet, because then his audience would be global. That and he finally had an opportunity to use his new video camera.

"And then we can hack into his facebook account and put the video on there too!"

"Yes, Gin that sounds like a good plan. We shall do that later."

_Make me walk, make me talk, do whatever you please  
I can act like a star, I can beg on my knees_

_(Ken) Come jump in, be my friend, let us do it again,_  
_Hit the town, fool around, let's go party_

_You can touch, you can play, if you say: "I'm always yours"_

_I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world_  
_Life in plastic, it's fantastic!_  
_You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere_  
_Imagination, life is your creation_

Gin was on his tippy toes and giggling in a very evil fashion as he videoed the performance from his fellow traitor. Aizen finally starting to laugh as Tousen sashayed girlishly around the stage, miraculously without falling over or walking off the edge because of his inability to see. Nobody able to take him even remotely seriously any more. The whole room was giggling, nobody could breathe, and anybody and everybody was taking pictures. Hilarity would ensue tomorrow when Tousen found out that this would be all over the internet.

_Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(uh-uh-uh-yeah)  
Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(ooh-oh-ooh)  
Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(uh-uh-uh-yeah)  
Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(ooh-oh-ooh)_

When he finally put the microphone down, all that could be heard was just laughter. Tousen had obviously just been smoking something. So when he walked off and sat down again, Gin tried to hide his laughing, no doubt failing miserably at it, and quickly slipped his camera back into his pocket, thus saving the video to its memory. Mentally promising himself that the proof of Tousen liking Barbie would be all over the internet, and youtube, by tomorrow morning.


	6. I almost told you that I loved you

**Mature chapter for some of the content and lyrics, just to be safe.**

Request for Le Slytherin Princess. Who needs to write me a review longer than one line please, you asked for this.

I'm sorry it took so long, I had stuff to do.

I fell asleep not even halfway through constructing this. So the review needs to make my day. Thought dump all over me please.

Um yeah folks, when I say requests have to be reviewed – what I mean is that only the requester absolutely _has_ to review. It's optional for the rest of you.

So errm, enjoy your crack. Or lack thereof. I did try.

* * *

**Chapter 6: I almost told you that I loved you **

"Oh err, that were great Tousen-san." Gin said, trying to fake his compliment to the other traitor while Aizen sitting next to him was trying his hardest not to laugh his head off at Gin's terrible acting. Izuru, however, was practically on the floor and unable to now breathe because he had laughed so hard that his ribs ached.

"Why thankyou Ichimaru-sama."

Kira just howled with laughter along with Aizen, who just couldn't stop himself.

"Oh I'm sorry Tousen, but that was just the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard in my entire life."

Aizen was probably the only one that could have gotten away with saying that because he was more powerful, in fact, far more powerful than Tousen. And Tousen valued his life.

"So you say Aizen-sama, so you say." He replied, going back to his statue like demeanour, ignoring Gin giggling quietly behind him, sniggering evilly. Unable to even have a drink without choking on it, still giggling so hard that everybody apart from him, Aizen and Kira noticed Grimmjow heading towards the microphone. To sing whatever song he was going to sing.

He walked up there with the usual 'I don't care what anybody thinks of me' attitude and took hold of the microphone.

"This one's for all of the sexy ladies out there in the audience tonight." He said, with a sly grin creeping onto his face as he pointed to the DJ to start the music.

_You know I love it when you're down on your knees  
And I'm a junky for the way that you please  
You shut me up when you swallow me down  
My back to the wall you're going to town  
_

All of the fangirls in the audience went completely wild as he started to sing. And he was just soaking it up like sponges. Screaming the house down as their beloved Grimmjow stalked around the stage and sang a song with many sexual references and innuendos. Telling Luppi to shut up when he voiced his distaste for the sixth espada's amateur karaoke singing.

Needless to say it wasn't long before Luppi got slapped by one of the many Grimmjow fangirls that were there, as Grimmjow proceeded to stalk around the stage and then throw off his t-shirt, lazily chucking it out into the masses of his adoring fangirls. And, errm… fanboys, in the audience. Much to their amusement and delight because a now semi naked arrancar was walking around on the stage.

_I almost told you that I loved you  
Thank god I didn't 'cause it would've been a lie  
I say the damnedest things when you're on top of me  
I almost told you that I loved you  
_

Of course, this song was Grimmjow all over. This song was just written for him to sing. The attitude of it all and the sexual references were just so him. And of course the crowd was loving every minute of his performance. Or rather, Grimmjow's unsolicited strip tease. He could have been stripping off to the Full Monty music for all they cared.

_I hate to say it but it has to be said  
You look so fragile as I fuck with your head  
I know it shouldn't but it's getting me on  
If sex is the drug then what is the cause?  
_  
_I almost told you that I loved you  
Thank god I didn't 'cause it would've been a lie  
I say the damnedest things when you're on top of me  
I almost told you that I loved you  
_

It was pretty needless to say that the espada's vocal abilities left a lot to be desired. Simon Cowell himself would have been appauled, and would have made absolutely no hesitations in telling Grimmjow that his singing was bad. Or, worse than bad… "Dreadful" I think would be the word he would use in this situation.

But Grimmjow didn't care; he was having fun after all. Teasing his many fans and throwing off the majority of his clothes. His shoes, his jacket, his t-shirt… and not forgetting his socks. They all came off, to leave him in nothing but a pair of dark jeans wearing a pair of sunshades and padding around the stage to the music in bare feet, like the panther that he was.

_I'm not the one that you want, not the one that you need  
My love is like a fucking disease  
You can give me your hand, you can make your demands  
I'm the hardest motherfucker to please  
_  
_I almost told you that I loved you  
Thank god I didn't 'cause it would've been a lie  
I say the damnedest things when you're on top of me  
I almost told you that I loved you  
_

And the best thing about it was that nobody objected to him stripping off because he had the power to hurt them if they did. Unlike in Las Noches. Where they simply were forced to wear clothes that Grimmjow himself personally hated.

If he had his way he would walk around stark naked, just to fight the authority, also known as Aizen, just to prove a point that he could.

But in reality he wouldn't dare to. He did value his life after all.

But his fangirls were loving and adoring him and his sexy body, so it really didn't matter. He just had fun and sang, living out one of his little fantasies.

_I almost told you that I loved you  
Thank god I didn't 'cause it would've been a lie  
I say the damnedest things when you're on top of me  
I almost told you that I loved you_

When the song eventually ended, the crown went completely wild for him, and as the espada walked back to his seat. he passed a certain black haired man known to many people of the human world as Simon Cowell, who was merely tutting in disapproval at the sexta espada's utter _lack_ of talent. Much to the amusement of Szayel, who was just watching Ulquiorra come around from his drunken sleep, giggling like an idiot, as Grimmjow sat next to him, and lit up a cigarette in an attempt to look cool as he leaned back on his chair. At least until the manager came over and demanded he put it out because smoking was prohibited.

* * *

a/n – well hope ya liked! And yes, Simon Cowell will most likely be lynched for tutting at Grimmjow later by his adoring fangirls.


	7. Weird Science

This is a (what I'm sure is a very long awaited) request for Yaoi lover-13. Review longer than one line, no dying please, have fun etc etc. I'm sorry it took so long!

But I have been busy. Finals, book writing, (sigh) life…

Then I got onto a massive art kick, which I'm still on. So yeah, I kinda forgot about this request until now.

Anyway I'm ranting on now – please excuse the duet in this one. It wouldn't have been as cracky otherwise. Also please excuse the shameless aikira. Any excuse…

_

* * *

_

**Chapter 7: Weird Science**

When Grimmjow eventually swaggered his way off the stage after doing a rather nosebleed inducing strip tease, he swung his T-shirt over his shoulder and took his seat again on the table next to Szayel. Ulquiorra was at this table as well, still hiccupping and half asleep with his head resting on the table next to his empty beer glass. He was just coming around from his beer induced sleep with a rather pounding headache, and was not amused in the slightest when Szayel - currently sitting next to him - started giggling like an idiot. Well... a very girly idiot.

"Oww my head... hic..."

Ulquiorra was clutching the side of his head and was very disorientated, to say the least. And needless to say, he was currently in a lot of pain from the effects of the alcohol. Szayel just cackled at him, simply unable to restrain himself. Ulquiorra was not amused in the slightest. He tried to respond to Szayel's quite immature laughing but all he could manage was a very slurred comeback, which probably got garbled by all of the noise in the bar coming from everywhere else.

"Hic... oh yeah Pinky... like… like you can do better than me... hic... trash."

"Hah! Oh really?" Szayel said, swishing his hair in very much the feminine fashion just as Ulquiorra's head hit the table again, as Szayel got up and decided to storm over towards the DJ to put in a request for a song to sing.

"Hmph! Well we shall just see about that!" he said storming across the room, stopping about half way when he saw Aizen lying on top of a rather flushed looking Izuru, tongue wrestling. And quite passionately so.

"Really Aizen-sama! Making out in a bar? And with a stranger?"

"Oh be quiet Szayel. Surely I am allowed to have some fun; after all, plotting your demise is very stressful. And he is not a stranger."

Szayel took the hint and just carried on walking. Not really wanting to argue with his... boss, for the lack of a better word. So he just made his request and quietly climbed his way onto the stage and quietly waited for the music to start so he could show Ulquiorra just how much better at singing he was than him.

When the lights dimmed again the music started up again, this time with a rather 80's beat, and our favourite pink haired scientist waited for his cue to start singing what was quite an appropriate tune for him.

_From my heart and from my hand_

_Why don't people understand  
My intentions _

_Weird... Ooo!_

The groove was really easy to get into, so Szayel pretty much had his work cut out for him. And anyway, he had practiced this number many times before when jumping around and singing into his hairbrush back in Las Noches. And on one occasion he had forced his fraccion to watch and give him feedback. So all he really had to do now was just sing the words which he already knew and just make it look pretty and dramatically pace the stage in between the choruses. And of course swish his hair a few times just for good measure. Which he did.

_Weird Science  
Plastic tubes and pots and pans  
Bits and pieces and  
Magic from the hand  
We're makin' (Weird science)  
Things I've never seen before  
Behind bolted doors  
Talent and imagination _

Szayel wasn't really sure if he had any fangirls out there in the audience, so he just had to go on assuming there were. Until some small number of Rukia style screams started drifting his way. Which made him grin wickedly and carry on the number with just that much more enthusiasm – not that he needed it, of course. He was just doing what he had done a thousand times before – yes, he had counted – and continued to strut around the stage with the microphone in his hand like he owned the place.

Which in summary was just Szayel just doing what he did best.

_(Weird science)  
Not what teacher said to do  
Makin' dreams come true  
Living tissue, warm flesh (Weird science)  
Plastic tubes and pots and pans  
Bits and pieces (and)  
Bits and pieces (and) _

As Szayel sang on the stage, Mayuri, sitting at the very back of the building folded his arms in displeasure.

"Heh!"

Nemu, who was accompanying him, perked up at his reaction. Because she, for one, was enjoying the performance like the masses were.

"This fool, he calls himself a scientist. And he can't even sing! This is ridiculous I tell you Nemu! Ridiculous!"

He folded his arms again across his chest and made a face. Exactly what kind of face nobody is a hundred percent sure, but it was probably one of outright annoyance and insult.

"Then why don't you go and join him on the stage Mayuri-sama? Then you can show him how to do things properly."

Mayuri grinned, much like the Cheshire cat would do.

"Why that is an excellent idea Nemu!" he said, as he got up from his seat. "Guard my chair whilst I am gone."

"Yes Mayuri-sama." Nemu replied, silently watching him begin to claw his way to the front through the crowd as the arrancar continued his performance.

_(Bits of) my creation... Is it real?  
It's my creation... My creation  
It's my creation Weird Science  
Weird...ooo! _

Mayuri pushed and shoved his way up to the front, knocking people drinks out of their hands and shoving people and telling them to move. And eventually the crowd did their own rendition of the parting of the Red Sea and made way for him.

"Get out of my way you fool, get out of my way!"

He shoved the last man out of the way and just stood there tutting and shaking his head at the arrancar before clambering onto the stage in a rather undignified manner and demanded the microphone from Szayel.

"Right. You. Give me that microphone. You are not a scientist and therefore cannot be allowed to sing this song."

"WHAT? I am too a scientist, and this is MY performance. You wait your turn you creep!" Szayel defended, somewhere between singing the lines of the song. Nobody was going to wreck his moment in the limelight. Not even this creepy guy. Until Mayuri started to join in with the singing that was, while trying to outdo Szayel and snatch the microphone from his grasp.

"This mike is mine you crazy fool!"

"No it isn't!"

"Give it back!"

"NO!"

_(Weird science)  
Magic and technology  
Voodoo dolls and chants  
Electricity We're makin' (Weird science)  
Fantasy and microchips  
Shooting from the hip  
Something different  
We're makin' _

_(Weird science)  
Pictures from a magazine  
Diagrams and charts  
Mending broken hearts (and makin')_

"Just let me take over Pinky, this is my number now!"

"No way!" Szayel yelled, just as Mayuri managed to pry the microphone away from him and head to the front of the stage to sing the next chorus. Leaving a very unimpressed Szayel to stand there while everybody laughed at the new comedics of this performance.

_(Weird science)  
Something like a recipe  
Bits and pieces (and)  
Bits and pieces (and) _

_(Bits of) my creation... Is it real?  
It's my creation... I do not know  
No hesitation... No heart of gold  
Just flesh and blood... I do not know  
I do not know  
From my heart and from my hand  
Why don't people understand  
My intentions . . . . _

_OOoo OOoo OOoo, weird science _

"Oh that is it!" he said, stomping his way over to Mayuri in order to try and reclaim his place in the spotlight. As he tried to pull the audio device away from his nemesis' hands again. but Mayuri was having none of it. however, they both managed to keep on singing even throughout fighting each other on the stage. Somehow managing to remember all of the words and hitting their cues in perfect synchronisation.

_Magic and technology [voodoo dolls and chants]  
Weird Science  
Things we never seen before [behind open doors]  
Weird Science  
Not what teacher said to do _

_Bits and pieces (and)  
Bits and pieces (and) _

They were still fighting, both of them trying to pull the microphone back at this stage, and the crowd was loving every second of it. Some were chanting for them to fight, others were just fangirling, and others were laughing so hard that it hurt. Indeed this was going to be a really memorable performance.

_(Bits of) my creation... Is it real?  
It's my creation... I do not know  
No hesitation... No heart of gold  
Just flesh and blood... I do not know  
It's my creation  
It's my creation...ooo!  
my creation...OOOOO!  
my creation  
It's my creation From my heart and from my hand  
Why don't people understand  
My intentions . . . . Oooh, weird _

_OOOooo OOOooo OOOooo  
weird science ooo! _

_Weird _

"Give me back that microphone!" Mayuri snarled, just as Szayel managed a strategically placed hair swish.

"Ha, you wish creep." Szayel snarled back, really acting like a spoiled diva now. Mayuri just took this as a signal for a fight, and thus as catfight did break out.

"Oh yeah, you bring it bitch! I aint afraid of you!"

Mayuri just laughed, still trying to grab the microphone.

"Oh really, I think you are."

Szayel growled, only to miss his cue when he realised Mayuri had started singing the next part of the song. Great, now this guy was singing better than him. He could not let this happen. He was perfect. And he was not going to be beaten by this creep. Never in a million years.

_Weird science Weird science (science) ...Ooo!  
(oh whoa-oh whoa-oh whoa-oh)  
Bits and pieces  
Bits and pieces and  
(OOOooo OOOooo OOOooo)  
Weird science _

They somehow regained synchronisation again, and now both of them had somehow forgotten about who was holding the microphone as they both concentrated on singing better than the other one, so the both of them were just standing there and singing into the same microphone, not really hearing the crowds positive reaction at this point in time.

_She's alive!_

They both even cackled after that bit, just to add a bit of atmosphere to the performance. Well, they were both scientists who both knew the feeling of having created another living being, like Frankenstein at some point in their lives. So it was more than appropriate.

_Bits and pieces... Ooo! _

_Weird! _

_Oh whoa-oh whoa-oh whoa-oh!  
OOOooo OOOooo OOOooo  
Weird science _

_Bits and pieces _

_Weird science _

The rest of the song was uneventful after that in means of fighting for the microphone. The catfight had apparently ended. They just sang now, only focused on the rhythm of the song. They had both given up on outdoing each other now, and just really thought of trying to make the best out of this train wreck of a performance. Especially so since the DJ finally decided to throw Szayel a second microphone so they could duet properly.

_Bits and pieces  
Bits and pieces  
Bits and pieces  
Weird science  
Weird  
Weird science Bits and pieces _

They stopped being enemies now, and just got into the funky 80's beat. Anyway, Szayel could always get revenge on Mayuri later for wrecking his show. Either way, they both owned the stage now, Szayel throwing his free hand into the air with his voice and Mayuri singing slightly off key whilst getting funky with the music.

_My creation... Is it real?  
It's my creation... I do not know  
No hesitation... Is it real?  
(My creation)  
Just flesh and blood... Just flesh and blood, Just flesh and blood  
(My creation... My creation) Weird science_

As soon as the music stopped there was a couple of seconds worth of silence before the crown just erupted in rounds of applause. And some number of standing ovations – much like there were with all of the other performances before theirs – and also one or two wolf whistles for good measure. Szayel assumed they were for him because Mayuri was too creepy looking to have fangirls. Just as Mayuri assumed Szayel looked to girly to have his fangirls. Mayuti smirked at the crowds faces until he saw Nemu giving him her standing ovation.

"Bravo Mayuri-sama. Bravo!"

Szayel just smirked evilly at him.

"Haha, I think your lieutenant rather enjoyed your performance."

"Oh just shut up Pinky. Just be glad it's over."

* * *

A/N - Its been so long since I've done any crack. Hope I aint too rusty! Anway, hope ya enjoyed! I really couldn't think of a better ending, so you'll just have to forgive on that part. YL13 your review be greatly loved.


	8. Ugly women are beautiful too

I got bored writing THOLN earlier (terrible, but writing fillers puts me to sleep) and somehow started watching Mongrels again. which in turn produced this.

Mongrels is an adult humour tv show, with animal puppets as the characters. And there are songs in it! You could just imagine my joys…

Me and nii-sama were just howling with laughter at like 1AM in the morning watching it… hoping we don't wake the neighbours up. Ah, Good times. So I just had to make crack out of this show.

Before I forget, I do not own Mongrels, the BBC does. I can give a link to the song if anyone wants it ^^

* * *

**Chapter 8: Ugly women are beautiful too**

Once the two diva-ish scientists had exited the stage, and the audience had just about calmed down, it was barely quiet for five minutes when another diva decided to waltz into the bar and make their presence known.

"I'm here!" he sang out, dressed in some rather extravagant outfit – consisting of some Cruella De Vil styled faux fur coat and a pair of jet black stiletto heels. "Where is the karaoke machine? It is my turn to sing now!" he said as he threw his coat onto one of the nearby chairs and bounced into the bar towards the stage, followed by one very disgruntled Ikkaku in tow. Who was not very amused at having his friend drag him here…

"Damn you Yumichika… why did you drag me here?"

"So we can sing!" Yumichika beamed back at him before running off towards the stage and requesting his song. In the meantime a very displeased Ikkaku took a seat at the bar on one of the stools and ordered himself a pint, just in time for Yumi to get onto the stage.

"Hellooooo everybody!" he said, as Ikkaku rolled his eyes. "Umm I'm going to sing a song for all of the people that aren't as beautiful as me! Which is everybody, so here we go!"

The audience was excited for what he would sing next – probably something cliché like 'I am beautiful' by Christina Aguilera, or 'I'm beautiful dammit' by Uncanny Alliance – but they were all surprised when the music actually started playing something very techno and the light came on to show Yumichika in (for some unknown reason) drag. Meaning, a rather glittery gold dress.

Ikkaku's head promptly hit the table as soon as Yumichika started to sing.

_If there's one thing I know  
Thanks to Gok Wan's TV show  
It's that ugly women are attractive  
They're just as good as me  
Though lacking genetically  
With a thyroid gland that's clearly overactive! _

Half of the audience was in shock, half of the audience were silent, and the rest of them were just howling and struggling to breathe they were laughing so hard. And Yumichika being in a dress really wasn't helping things. And the sheer irony of the song just seemed to shock, stun, enrage and amuse everybody all at the same time. But thankfully for Yumichika, nearly everybody was half way towards drunk so that meant there would be no mass riots tonight or any people howling for his blood.

Hopefully.

But most of the audience were laughing too much to really care about being offended anymore. Yumichika trying to sing and acting like a proper diva was just too much to take at once. I mean, the terrible voice was bad enough, but the feminine strutting was just hilarious to the entire audience.

Even Aizen was laughing at him. It was that bad, although Yumichika didn't really care. Oh well, they were all drunk, they obviously lacked the capability to recognise his greatness because the alcohol had affected their brains…

He continued to strut his stuff on the stage until two female back up singers (who had obviously been bribed into this little performance) chimed in with the vocals, not even trying in comparison to Yumi.

_(MODELS):  
Ugly women are beautiful too _

_They're always sweet and trusting  
Even though they look disgusting _

_(MODELS):  
Ugly women are beautiful too _

_Don't mean no disrespect  
When I say you look like Shrek _

_(MODELS):  
Ugly women are… _

_…beautiful too _

The pretty boy shinigami continued to 'strut his stuff' as it was called – on the stage and wiggled rather effeminately for Ikkaku's liking, as the audience giggled at how absolutely ridiculous he looked and sounded. He almost fell over in his heels quite a few times as the stage had taken some abuse over all of the karaoke-ing that had gone on previously, since the stage had some little dents here and there. So he nearly landed on his face some number of times as he struggled to walk in his six inch high heels.

But, like a true cross dressing professional, Yumichika carried on as Ikkaku practically died of embarrassment, everybody else laughed, the feminists got angry, Aizen nearly ruptured his spleen laughing, and Gin made more videos to go on his youtube channel.

"This's amazing!" he giggled, "All a this an' he aint even drunk yet!"

Aizen just cackled louder, unable to barely breathe now as he collapsed next to Kira, the both of them in stitches. They had heard of crossdressing but this was just out and out drag.

_Forget exfoliation  
That won't hide your deformation, girl  
The only way to shoot you  
Is with a whaling gun  
But who cares who's the fattest?  
Cos it's what's inside that matters  
And whatever the hell that is girl  
You must have bleeding tons! _

When he started dancing though, Gin nearly dropped the camera – really, this was just too funny to _not _be all over the internet! But the growing mob gathering at the back of the room was another story entirely; they were not amused in the slightest.

However, Yumichika seemed to be enjoying himself, and he didn't exactly care what people thought of him – as long as they said he was beautiful then it didn't exactly matter. So it seemed he was immune to all of the people laughing at him and his choice of outfit.

Gin wasn't feeling too threatened – he had much nicer costumes and dresses in his wardrobe backstage anyway. And from the sounds of things Gin had far more fangirls…

But that didn't stop him from giggling and enjoying this mockery that was entertainment in the form of someone from the eleventh squad dressed in drag and singing very badly while _still _ managing to tell the entire universe he was prettier than them everybody else in existence.

_(MODELS):  
Ugly women are beautiful too _

_I'm sexy, cute and savvy  
You're why cousins shouldn't marry _

_(MODELS):  
Ugly women are beautiful too _

_I look like Cheryl Cole  
You're an ad for birth control _

The music he was singing and trying to dance competently to had a techno vibe to it, much like Lady Gaga's songs did, since it was an obvious parody song. But as Yumichika got ready for the song to end, the angry mob gathered at the back was getting ready to corner him. They were not amused at all. And Gin tried to get the mob's reaction as he continued filming, just in case they stormed the stage.

But they waited, having the courtesy to let him finish his performance before they launched their attack on him, Gok Wan standing somewhere near the front of the group.

The back up singers still sounded bored and the pretty boy shinigami was still singing. But if Gok and his mob had any say in things, he wouldn't be singing for much longer after today…

_(MODELS):  
Ugly women are… _

_…beautiful too _

_(MODELS):  
Ugly, big fat women _

_Just like you! _

_Don't touch me!_

When the song finished however – even after all of the ridicule and laughing – the crowd went nuts. Some applauded, some continued to laugh, the hired singers still looked bored, and Yumichika took his leave of the stage. Only to find himself confronted by the angry mob that had been insulted by his performance, with none other than Gok Wan standing at the front of them.

"Ready girls? Attack!" he cried, watching them all charge.

Yumichika had no chance. He screamed and they chased him, cornering him in a alleyway outside. And Gin got it all on camera: Yumichika's effeminate scream, the mob chasing him out, and Gok Wan cackling evilly, although Gin was laughing so hard he could barely keep the camera straight…

* * *

A/N – lawl, Gok Wan's guest appearance amuses me. This making fun of celebrities is all done in good humour by the way – I actually like Gok's shows ^^ I have nothing against any of the celebrities that appear in this story. Not that any of them would be reading this, but ya know, I just have to say it.


	9. Rude boy

**Mature content for the lyrics and Aizen being an ukefied diva **

I can't do anything right so have some crack that is wrong.

Oh god I nearly choked and died writing this one. My ribs hurt now.

Inspired by a conversation with nii-sama. Why we talk about aigin so much though I really have no clue. Must be because its so easy to crackify. (if you get where our GinGin reference came from though that was the story where it all started)

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 9: Rude boy**

Gin was still giggling long after Gok's army had driven the beauty obsessed shinigami from the bar, chuckling to himself loudly as he sipped his cocktail, seemingly deep in thought about what tortures they were putting Yumichika through right now.

"Wow, the poor guy…" he started, shaking his head, almost feeling sorry for the guy. Well, almost.

"Oh well," Gin threw his empty glass over his shoulder so it shattered on the floor – Trump would clean that up later.

"He got what were comin' to 'im."

"I know."

Gin turned around when another voice joined into his conversation. It was Gok, who had somehow quietly snuck back inside.

"I mean, its ridiculous isn't it. Everybody has the right to look and feel _fabulous! _And speaking of fabulous,_ where did you get your dress Gin? _It really flatters your figure!_"_

Gin couldn't help but to let out a little giggle and a slight blush; he loved when people complimented his figure and dress sense – even if it was just his stage costume.

"Oh thankyou Gok-san. This's me favourite dress outta all of 'em."

"Well you look _gorgeous_ darling. Oh look, I think your friend Aizen is gonna go sing another song…"

Just as he said that Gin turned his head to see a rather drunk looking Aizen – who had gone and changed his shirt - somehow stumble over to the DJ again, much to Gin's displeasure. Oh gods, what was he going to sing now? A drunk Aizen was bad, but a drunk _singing _Aizen was much, much worse. Gok however seemed excited that more entertainment was coming his way…

Gin just braced himself for what was about to come blasting through the speakers as Aizen picked his song.

_Good god just what was the audience in for this time?_

Aizen swept over onto the stage and demanded that he sing something, wanting to flaunt himself and his godliness to all who were present. Not even being drunk was going to stop him.

"Okay ladies and gents, I'm going to sing again so pay attention!" he cleared his throat and hiccupped before he cued the DJ.

"Okay cue the music."

So the music started and he began to sing, meanwhile Gin couldn't help but worry that this was the revenge Aizen had mentioned the other day for giving him coffee instead of the tea he liked. Oh well, he had a video camera, so he could blackmail Aizen later anyway. So Gin started to film as Aizen flaunted himself on the stage. Making it obvious he was singing to Gin. Or Izuru. He couldn't tell which.

That was, until Aizen cackled loudly into the microphone and said it was a song for Gin, before starting to sing and dance to the music as the lights dimmed and the spotlight shone down on him.

_Come on rude boy, boy  
Can you get it up  
Come here rude boy, boy  
Is you big enough  
Take it, take it  
Baby, baby  
Take it, take it  
Love me, love me_

Now, _he tried_ to be sexy – which really didn't take much trying – and messed his hair up as he sang so he looked like Aizen Taichou again while singing, making sure to remember the hip actions to try and look like he was asking for it. Which quite a lot of people found to be _extremely _out of character for Aizen, but then again he was drunk off his arse, so a little – well, okay, a lot of his behaviour would be out of character.

But he sang on, and his fangirls went crazy and he was sure Momo had collapsed again if the almighty thud on the floor was anything to go by.

He just grinned to himself and started to enjoy it all. The fangirls, the screaming over his sexiness… he even thought of stripping off right there, but he decided that could wait until a little later at least. He had to lose _all_ _of his _inhibitions first.

_Tonight  
I'mma let you be the captain  
Tonight  
I'mma let you do your thing, yeah  
Tonight  
I'mma let you be a rider  
Giddy up  
Giddy up  
Giddy up, babe  
_

_Tonight  
I'mma let it be fire  
Tonight  
I'mma let you take me higher  
Tonight  
Baby we can get it on, yeah  
we can get it on, yeah_

He was completely unaware he was being filmed by the apparent object of his drunken affections, so he strutted his stuff like nobody was watching. He held the microphone in one hand and strode across the stage like he owned it. He swayed his hips from side to side and placed a hand on one of his hips so his arm crossed his stomach as he sang and put on a performance.

_Do you like it boy  
I wa-wa-want  
What you wa-wa-want  
Give it to me baby  
Like boom, boom, boom  
What I wa-wa-want  
Is what you wa-wa-want  
Na, na-aaaah_

_Come here rude boy, boy  
Can you get it up  
Come here rude boy, boy  
You should Is you big enough  
Take it, take it  
Baby, baby  
Take it, take it  
Love me, love me_

He made sure to look at Gin as he sang the second verse and give out a seductive smile, as the people took to the dancefloor for a rave. Girls screamed, boys laughed, and Gok joined in with the ladies trying to push through to the front nearest the stage to get the best view of the sexy man on stage just as he undid his shirt. Gin in the meantime was bravely filming the whole thing in the hopes that this level of fanservice would give him more youtube subscriptions. And he was sure that he could sell the actual file somewhere and make some extra money. There were a lot of people out there that would actually pay for some Aizen fanservice. All the perverts in the room were having a field day, so why not spread the fanservice around some? Like, all over the internet?

_Come here rude boy, boy  
Can you get it up  
Come here rude boy, boy  
Is you big enough  
Take it, take it  
Baby, baby  
Take it, take it  
Love me, love me_

_Tonight  
I'mma give it to you harder  
Tonight  
I'mma turn your body out  
Relax  
Let me do it how I wanna  
If you got it  
I need it  
And I'mma put it down_

The music blared above the screams of his many fangirls and Aizen started to loosen up, beginning to feel as though he were the only one in the room, which was probably the alcohol, but more than likely his enjoyment of the song. Although singing about being the taker instead of the giver in the bedroom was a little odd, but he didn't care right now.

And anyway, he thought he may as well try to be uke-ish, even though he was supposed to be this dominant one with no equal, with no master above him. But right now he couldn't care less. He was enjoying himself, he was being a diva.

He was drunk anyway, so he had an excuse for his outrageous diva like behaviour.

_Buckle up  
I'mma give it to you stronger  
Hands up  
We can go a little longer  
Tonight  
I'mma get a little crazy  
Get a little crazy, baby_

_Do you like it boy  
I wa-wa-want  
What you wa-wa-want  
Give it to me baby  
Like boom, boom, boom  
What I wa-wa-want  
Is what you wa-wa-want  
Na, na-aaaah_

He started stripping off, completely undoing his shirt to expose his well toned chest, as he started to lose himself, getting really into the song and torowing his hands in the air. He was putting on a show to rival Lady Gaga herself, with only a microphone and a faux striptease. But long story short the audience loved him for it. As well as for being a complete diva on stage singing about sex and 'taking it' from Gin.

_Come here rude boy, boy  
Can you get it up  
Come here rude boy, boy  
Is you big enough  
Take it, take it  
Baby, baby  
Take it, take it  
Love me, love me_

He ran his hand through his already messy hair and shook his head to the music, his free hand in his jeans, slowing his hips movements letting a blush overcome his face, turning his head to the side and really trying to be sexy and seductive in an enticing way. Especially for this next part of the song…

_I like the way you touch me there  
I like the way you pull my hair  
Babe, if I don't feel it I ain't faking  
No, no_

Another deep breath and pleading look at the audience – and Gin – quieted the crowd to a silent awe. They were never going to see anything like this _ever again_. It was like a fangirls dream – only there were no Edward Cullen sparkly effects to ruin it. Aizen sang in a breathy sensual voice as the crowd's reactions grew louder with Aizen now gently touching his chest so the ladies in the audience literally melted.

Another quick breath from Aizen and…

_I like when you tell me kiss it there  
I like when you tell me move it there_

_So giddy up  
Time to giddy up  
You say you're a rude boy  
Show me what you got now  
Come here right now_

_Take it, take it  
Baby, baby  
Take it, take it  
Love me, love me_

And then the song ended. And they all went wild when it did, even the shinigami. Aizen the diva, Aizen the uke begging for sex through song. They loved him.

Okay, he was drunk. And the entire audience was drunk. And everybody else watching was drunk. And he would probably end up all over youtube for the world to see him acting like the most uke-ish diva the world had ever seen and ever would see. But he didn't care, they loved his performance.

And after Aizen fell off the stage as he exited, he took his seat again next to Kira, who was giggling at how unamused Gin seemed to be. As Aizen sat down he put his arm around Kira and smirked to himself at Gin sitting there with his arms folded.

Gin sighed, "Aizen, yer really embarrassin' ya know that?"

Aizen just laughed quietly to himself. "Oh Izuru," he said, still grinning like a Cheshire cat. "You owe me double now."

* * *

A/N - Gah, I kinda failed with that ending. And with Aizen's diva-ness. But oh well, it was fun. I do love Gok in this one.


	10. Telephone parodie

One day I will write crack that isn't just Aizen and Gin being really OOC divas. One day I will. And then you will have variety and laughs… but until that day comes, enjoy the Diva Aizen and Lady GinGin crack.

This chapter has nothing to do with anything, I just wanted to write it.

I want to draw GinGin's dress... but first I need to learn to draw dresses.

_Lyrics are from the Key Of Awesome. Meaning: not mine, Never have been mine, And never will be mine. They are far too good to be mine – ever. _

Aizen is only singing GaGa's parts in this cuz they suited him better. He used to be a diva then he turned into a godawful monster! (if you've read the manga you'll know what I'm on about)

Anyway, enjoy.

* * *

**Chapter 10: Telephone parodie **(Diva-Aizen feat. Lady GinGin)

Aizen had only sat down for a couple of minutes, sipping his drink when all of a sudden he stood up again, voicing his thoughts out loud. A wide grin coming across his face as he stood up from his chair.

"You know what? I want to sing something else now."

A huge groan of displeasure from Tousen and all of the espada present quickly followed along with a little giggle from Gin.

But Aizen had already gotten a taste of what it was like to be worshipped like the god – or, the very well manicured diva – that he was, and he wasn't about to surrender his spot in the limelight for anybody.

So back towards the stage he went, with Gin giggling as the espadas seated nearby him cringed in embarrassment and ordered yet more drinks in order to hide said embarrassment their leader was inflicting upon them. God help them all.

Gin was trying to hide his snickering as he went to have a gulp of his tequila, only to be dragged off by Aizen onto the stage as well.

"You, Gin, sing with me."

"Aww, but… but I don't wanna…" Gin pleaded, as Aizen grabbed his arm and pulled him out of his chair, still wearing his favourite red showgirl dress.

"You sing or I get Trump back in here to yell at you!"

"Alright fine." Gin replied. "but only cuz I don't wanna get yelled at again."

"Yes! Okay you come with me, let's go get out microphones!"

Gin groaned inwardly, still holding onto his tequila with his free hand, somehow managing to down it all in one shot – because he knew he was going to need it to get through a singing session with Aizen, who was probably a bigger diva than he was.

"Now what to sing about…" Aizen mused to himself, pulling Gin over towards the DJ to pick the song to sing to, while Gin just stood there awkwardly, teetering in his heels while Aizen was picking the music out.

"What should we sing about Gin?" he asked happily.

Gin just pouted and folded his arms.

"I dunno, but since yer now the biggest diva in town how 'bout you sing 'bout yer new music video?"

_"Ha! There! That should keep him quiet!" _Gin thought, smirking at the thought of Aizen puzzling over the thought, only to get the opposite reaction than the one he intended when Aizen excitedly exclaimed this was a brilliant idea and scampered off onto the stage, dragging Gin along for the ride.

Once they were on the stage, there were mixed reactions from the audience – but Aizen was not deterred. He was going to sing whether they liked it or not. He practically shoved the microphone into Gin's hand and then turned to the audience, telling them – well, mainly Gin - that he was going to sing about what was going to be the concept of his latest music video. 'Aizen featuring Lady GinGin' he said the single would be.

Gin then asked, "So what's the concept for yer 'music video' gonna be? Ya haven' even told me what I'm s'posta be singin' 'bout."

Aizen just cleared his throat and then waited for the music to start, which apparently was the ringing of a telephone… and then he started to sing. He was singing about random stuff, but he started to sing…

_(Diva-Aizen)  
First of all this song is not as good as Bad Romance  
And its not even close Poker face or Just Dance  
_  
_So I will distract them by getting half naked  
And throw everything at them but the kitchen sink sink  
_  
_The kitchen sink sink  
What do you think think?  
I will prove that I don't have a penis wink wink_

Gin was a little confused, but the fangirls just seemed to be happy Aizen was singing again, going by the screaming – even if what he was singing was complete drunken gibberish. After all, wasn't Aizen a man? And Gin couldn't even think why Aizen would throw the sink at his fans…

This seemed like one crazy video to film. And Gin could only stand there and look on, astounded, as Aizen sang out the crazy wild plans for his next publicity stunt: his music video. In which he was evidently plagiarising a hell of a lot from other artists.

Gin just stood there as Aizen made full use of that stage, flaunting his sexy diva self, while Gin just stood there next to him and watched from the opposite end of the stage, currently debating whether to just go and sit down again.

_ (Diva-Aizen)_

_First I'll get stripped naked by some burly prison guards  
Then make out with a shemale in the prison yard yard_

Gin decided to hear him out a bit first, until it got to the part about making out with the shemale… which at that point Gin just had to say something to him.

"Wait, yer gonna make out with Kira? Again? But you just did that…"

But Aizen apparently wasn't really listening to him, so he decided to sing it in the hopes that Aizen would listen. Just talking wasn't getting him anywhere so why not try singing it?

_(GinGin)  
This video seems goofy you should just do it alone  
Besides I'm getting sick of all these songs about phones_

And Gin kept thinking that this video – if it ever was going to be filmed – seemed really outrageous. Better yet, were they even allowed to film this?  
But, as it was – and Aizen being the complete _diva _that he is – Aizen just kept singing his crazy ideas. And being annoyingly sexy.

_(Diva-Aizen)  
Bail me out of jail then we pause for some bad dialogue  
We poison everyone including a cute dog_

_Then we start to dance and there's dead people everywhere  
As usual I'll have lots crazy crap in my hair_

"Wait, you have hairgel in our hair anyway…" Gin said, wondering what else Aizen could put in his hair. Maybe he really was plagiarising ideas…

Suddenly regretting even suggesting Aizen sing about this because it was making absolutely no sense to him at all. Let alone half the people out there. Oh well, Gin decided to make use of his stage time and dance a little, even if it was just to creep back to his seat. He wasn't drunk enough for enjoying or even understanding what Aizen was singing.

_ (Diva-Aizen)  
P- P- P- P- P-P- P-P-Product Placement  
Hide the d-dead bodies in the b-b-basement_

_Blood and guts and boobs and butts  
And I just want to make your head explode_

_Beep beep beep b-b-beep beep beep  
That was Lady Gaga in Morse code_

Aizen was really into it though. He was having fun singing all of his wild ideas for this video, even if right now he didn't even think of how they could film it – he _was_ drunk after all. He swept his hair back off his face and moved to the music and made with the sexy. He even snapped his fingers once or twice in a very diva like manner for good measure. The fangirls went crazy, the drunk people laughed, and Tousen was one of the few who weren't amused. Aizen was singing about hiding dead bodies and butts…

And everything was going fabulously.

Until Gin decided he'd had enough and tried to walk off the stage, still with the cordless microphone in his hand.

"Hey Gin! Where are ya going?" Aizen yelled over the music, as Gin fell over in his heels and stood up again, quite undignified. Then turning back to Aizen and singing his next part.

_(GinGin)  
If you think I'm doing this  
Then you're a crazy bastard  
You musta blown a gasket  
Are you trippin' on acid?  
As a child were you abused by some big crazy bastard?  
And did he ever make you place the lotion in the basket?_

_I just want to do a simple shoot with dancin'  
You used to be a diva now you're Marilyn Manson_

Gin waited until the spotlight had left him and shone back on Aizen before trying to sneak away from the stage, until the very drunk Diva Aizen took over again and blackmailed him to star in his video, all the while the fangirls sitting nearby being completely into the song drama. As Aizen glared at Gin and slowly stepped towards him, still singing of course.

_(Diva-Aizen)  
You're gonna do my video and do it my way  
I'd hate for something bad might happen to your family_

_(GinGin)_

_My family ay?_

_(Diva-Aizen)  
That's right Beyonce  
A piano might accidentally fall on Jay Z_

Now Gin was even more confused. Beyonce? Who was this Beyonce? Was she someone he knew? And who was this Jay Z guy? Anyway, that didn't matter; Aizen was probably just making stuff up. Aizen said some really weird things when he was completely off his arse. But still, this music video wasn't something Gin had in mind to do… it seemed just too crazy. Far too crazy! And Gin was a little bit scared of this new Diva Aizen… he hated to think of what he would look like in a dress! Oh lord that would be a nightmare!

So Gin sang and tried to get help from the audience to escape, but Aizen just carried on singing, dragging a singing Gin back onto the stage again.

_(GinGin)  
Somebody help me cuz I don't want sing anymore  
She's got a gun to my head on the dance floor_

_ (Diva-Aizen)  
Rubadubdub three nuns in a tub  
And their doin' it with a garden Gnome_

_(GinGin)  
Please don't beat me up but I have to ask what  
does that have to do with a telephone?_

When the music track ended there was the usual applause and wild screaming from their fangirls, but Aizen seemed to regain some small bit of sense when it all died down. And when he actually thought about the answer to Gin's question he actually didn't have any idea at all what any of what he had just sung had to do with a phone at all.

"You know what Gin," Aizen said, now quite puzzled as they both stood there after their song had ended. "I have no idea what any of that has to do with a telephone."

"Has anyone told ya that yer kinda crazy, Aizen?"

"…Yes."

* * *

It's probably not as funny as it is in my head… and that ending sorta sucks. But I had fun, so it's all good. I didn't quite know what I was on about in places but this is crack, so it is excusable. Crack doesn't need to make absolute sense or be written even remotely seriously with a straight face.

Yeah, one day I will do crack that isn't just Aizen and Gin, just not today.

Anyway, I hope you liked, I can give you linkage to the song if you wanna listen to it, and reviews are always awesome (but you know you don't have to)


	11. Nothing at all

_Ah, 'Nothing at All'. I know, "how on earth can she crackify this?"  
But this version is by Adam Kay and Suman Biswas, so it was much easier.  
_

**Some Mature content coming your way **

Anyway, this time Ichigo is going to sing a song for Rukia.

Enjoy. This is all pure crack though. Therefore no offense to any of the ichiruki people.

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 11: Nothing at all **

Amongst all of the commotion after the song had ended and Gin hauled the diva-ish Aizen back to his chair, sitting somewhere in the corner - and getting quite drunk – were Ichigo, Rukia, Orihime, and the rest of their little group. Ichigo had already had far too much to drink and was starting to slur all of his words together.

"Pssht… Aizen is such a Diva…" he muttered, with Orihime and Rukia looking at him with blacn faces, suddenly put off from having any more alcohol in their systems.

"I mean, what is that? He can't even sing! I bet I could do a better job than him. After all, I'm the main character!"

"Umm, Ichigo, I don't have any clue what you're talking about main characters for, but I don't think you singing is a good idea." Orihime said, a little worried about the amount of alcohol Ichigo had already drunk.

"Yeah Ichigo," Rukia said, "You can't even talk properly you're so drunk. Leave the singing to the diva's."

"No!" Ichigo pouted, folding his arms defiantly, "I am going to sing, and I am going to make a better job of it that those two over there! he yelled, pointing to Aizen at the bar and Gin sitting with his legs crosses on one of the barstools, having already decided that he was not about to be upstaged by the Diva Aizen or Lady GinGin. And with that he stormed over to the DJ to request a song.

"I'll show that Rukia who's the better singer." He muttered, rubbing his palms together and chuckling to himself. Than clambering onto the stage and finding the microphone ready to sing what would hopefully be his first and last number.

"Okay everybody listen up!" he said, the chatter of the audience quieting down to let him speak.

"This next song is one that I'm going to sing, and I'm dedicating this one to Miss Rukia Kuchiki. Okay hit it mister DJ person!"

And so the music started to play, this time it was soft classical piano, and the people in the audience were intrigued as to what ballad Ichigo Kurosaki was going to sing for them.

"Oh how nice." Orihime said, smiling as she sat back in her chair. "Kurosaki-kun is going to sing you a song Rukia!"

"Oh…" Rukia replied, listening to Ichigo sing the first line of the song and blushing slightly "well, maybe it won't be so bad then."

And so she sat there listening as Ichigo sang on.

_It's amazing how pretty you looked on that night  
Your skirt was so short and your top was so tight.  
I bought you a drink and we danced on the floor,  
We pulled and you came back to mine for some more._

"Umm, okay… maybe this isn't going to be a nice love song…" Orihime said to Rukia, slightly disappointed. While Rukia was just plain embarrassed – Ichigo was singing all the wrong words. She knew it was a bad idea to come here and let him drink beer, she just knew it. She would have left but the place was crowded and she couldn't even get to the door, so she had no choice but to sit and listen as the muffled laughter of the people around her grew louder.

_Your skirt ended up on the living room chairs,  
And your top and your bra, they came off on the stairs,  
And though you looked fit with your clothes on,  
Man I was a fool  
Cos you look like shit when you wear nothing at all._

"Oh for gods sakes Ichigo just stop singing _now…" _Rukia muttered, her fce buried into the palm of her hand. This was just embarrassing. And to make it worse – none of it was even true.

Everyone else seemed to find it funny though, going by the insane amounts of giggling as Ichigo carried on with the song further degrading Rukia.

_Oh the clothes that you wore looked a million dollars,  
But the body beneath, it looked just like Rick Waller  
The makeup you wear is a clever disguise  
To hide your moustache and the squint in your eyes._

There were laughs and hoots all around the bar, as Rukia just wanted to die of embarrassment. This was all crack and lies!

And just plain embarrassing.

"Oh please for the love of god can a light fall on his head to make him stop singing?" Rukia grit her teeth and mumbled, while Ichigo just stood there on the stage and sang out with even more enthusiasm. Smirking as he looked at the very humiliated Rukia sitting across the room.

_Your cellulites dreadful, you're covered in zits and  
Your stomach's about as defined as quicksand  
If I'm being perfectly honest your tits are unacceptably small  
So you look like shit when you wear nothing at all._

"For the love of god _whyyyy?_!" Rukia wailed, while Orihime just patted her shoulder in sympathy, still trying to be cheerful.

"Don't worry Rukia… maybe he just… got all of the words wrong."

"I am going to kill him!" Rukia growled, clearly not amused. This was really Ichigo's cue to stop singing now, but he just carried on. The audience egging him on all the more after each verse.

_When we went back to mine I was up for a shag  
In the bedroom I realised you're a dumpy old slag  
Your pubes reach your navel and they cover your thighs,  
Didn't know they made arses that size_

"Okay, now this has gone Too Far!" Rukia said, standing up and starting to push her way through the crowd to the stage, shoving her way past Aizen and co giggling immensely along her way at Aizen's rude comments about the song. While Ichigo enjoyed his fifteen minutes of fame.

Not that he was going to live to tell anyone about it when Rukia got there of course.

_When we met on that night, I could swear that I never  
Would have guessed you're a female Andrew Lloyd Webber  
The hair on your chest a bit endocrynological  
And you look like shit when you wear nothing at all._

Yep, Ichigo was going to be horribly mauled by Rukia when she got to him.

But before he died though, Ichigo was going to make the most of being on that stage and away from the now very angry Rukia Kuchiki who he had just managed to piss off in the record time of about three minutes. So he sang onwards with the famous Kurosaki enthusiasm while his father voiced "how proud" he was that his son had apparently scored with Rukia.

All the while Rukia getting nearer and nearer to him as Ichigo belted out the final verse of the song, much to the delight and amusement of the audience while the piano music played on.

_Your teeth are all yellow, with bloody great gaps so  
Your face is a picture, by Pablo Picasso.  
I can see that your arse has its own gravitational pull,  
And you look like shit when you wear nothing at all._

The crowd applauded and laughed when the song ended, and Ichigo took only a moment to back in the fame while Rukia Kuchiki screamed profanities at him, screaming at him and coming at him with a crowbar.

"Ichigo Kurosaki!" she screamed, as Ichigo just stood there looking around for the nearest exit.

"Uh, well, that's all from me guys." He said, having already spied a gap in the crowd to run into towards the door.

"I gotta go. Bye!"

And then he ran, as fast as his legs would carry him. With Rukia on his tail with her crowbar ready to get even with him.

* * *

haha, I loved writing this one, its just so easy to imagine Rukia being angry with Ichigo. So funny...

Anyway, reviews are welcome – they are much loved. And my next update will happen soon.

I will upload a Shunsui/Rangiku Key of Awesome crack duet I have been sitting on when I manage to find my lost flash drive again. I hope it hasn't gone through the wash (again) I don't want to have to re-do it.


	12. California girls parodie

I still have requests to finish for this… Still. I know, I am a horribly lazy writer. But I will do them! It will just be a little while.

But anyway. Shunsui et Rangiku sing today for your enjoyment. Look, variety! ^^ (you see, I _can_ do crack that isn't just AiGin OOC Diva-ness, despite how fun it is)

**Lyrics still belong to The Key of Awesome though. That means they are not mine. Go to youtube and look for them. **

Reviews are love, and remind me to actually _update _my stuff when I forget (and I do forget), but I won't force you to. Enjoy~

Side note – the music video for this song (the real non-parody version) by Katy isn't California, its Candyland. Which is a bit trippy. Was anyone else just a bit WTF on that?

* * *

**Chapter 12: ****California**** girls parodie** (Ran feat. Shunsui dogg)

It had been a little while since the last song, and everybody seemed to have calmed down a bit. And a slightly tipsy – 'slightly' probably being just a _little bit_ of an understatement – sauntered casually up to the bar beside a happily drinking Rangiku, who was sitting with her captain and trying to convince him to have a drink of beer.

"Heya Rangiku-san…" he said, slyly. "Do ya wanna sing a song with me?"

"Hmmm…" Rangiku paused, thinking hard about deciding to go up on the stage and embarrass herself like all the others had already done. Well, she ertainly didn't want to compete with Aizen in the diva department…

"Well, alright then." She sighed. "But as long as you promise to go sing with Ukitake Taichou afterwards. I think he's feeling a bit left out of all the fun."

Shunsui smiled.

"Alrighty then," he said, unknowing of the consequences of what he was about to promise.

"I promise I'll let Ukki sing with me after we finish."

Rangiku's smile widened as she gasped excitedly, then grabbing Shunsui's arm as she dragged him over towards the stage for Shunsui to pick his song.

"Yay! Okay then lets go to the stage then!" she said happily as she practically pulled her duet partner to the DJ, the audience quite blissfully unaware of what insanity was about to come next as Shunsui talked to the DJ about his song choice.

When the lights finally dimmed and both Shunsui and Rangiku were on the stage with their microphones, a quiet hush fell over the people in the audience as the two singers took their places and the music started to play.

Shunsui sang first, or rather, he attempted some sort of rap… thing that the people very quickly assumed was not part of the original lyrics for the song before Rangiku started to join in – also singing the wrong words.

_Shunsui:  
[Spoken] Greetings beotches. Take off your pants._

_Rangiku:  
I know a place where the girls are always meaner  
If you ain't rich, they're goin' nowhere near your wiener_

_Sippin' Starbucks venti skinny mocha chai tea  
with foam  
Drivin' Escalades while they're texting and re-tweeting  
on i-phones_

Some of the people listening giggled to themselves, while others were a bit confused as to why they were both singing the wrong words. But they soon got into it, and then began to enjoy the performance. The both of them were both drunk anyway, so it really didn't matter. They were having a good time after all, and besides that, the misplaced drunkenly sung words didn't detract from their performance at all. In fact, for drunk people, they sang very well.

Shunsui tried to look cool on the stage, while Rangiku was half dancing as she sang, thoroughly enjoying her little moment in the limelight. Although somewhere in the audience Aizen was snarling at her from his chair for trying to outdo him, only to be hit by Gin for the insult. Everyone knew that Aizen was _the _biggest diva here, so there was no point in getting into a diva fight over who was more of a diva, because everyone in the whole room knew that Aizen would win. After hitting Aizen though, Gin quickly whipped out his camera and took more video footage for his youtube channel, cheering Rangiku on along with the crowds as she worked the stage, strutting her stuff as she sang.

_Ran:  
You can try to approach us,  
But we're all the same we don't care what your name is_

_we'll look at you for a second,  
but that's just to make sure that you're not famous_

The audience was really into their song, and Shunsui eagerly waited for any chance he could to add to her song, until finally he spotted his opportunity when Rangiku sang a line about hybrid dogs and nodded to him, giving him his cue – which he somehow managed to miss.

_Ran:  
California__ girls we're unreliable  
Never worked a day in our lives  
Hybrid Dogs in bags we leave em' in the car_

_Shunsui:  
BOWOWOW __BOW__ WOWOW_

Everyone laughed at Shunsui's humour, and the song was going down great. Rangiku was dancing happily around the stage in her cocktail dress with her hands up in the air while Shunsui joined in, the both of them simply making up the words as they went along. Singing drunkenly to an audience who loved them… even if all of the words they sang _were_ all wrong.

All there was left now was a little solo for Rangiku before Shunsui could finally sing his parts. Because from the looks of it Rangiku was getting quite tired now, but she did make sure to emphasise her figure as she sang her final parts before Shunsui took over. Grabbing her large breasts and bouncing up and down as she sang her last line, for effect. Quite unaware Gin was filming _everything._

_Ran:  
California__ girls we're so predictable  
Hottest bodies money can buy_

_Spray tanned silicone boobs are indestructible  
__boing booiiing! boing, boing boiiing!_

After she was done, she let Shunsui take over. Now it was his turn to own the stage and make with the fanservice. He jumped forward as Rangiku moved to the back of the stage, smiling at him as she moved out of the way so he could have his turn in the spotlight.

He prowled the stage, trying to act cool as he swaggered around, again trying to attempt this thing the humans called hip-hop – or rap; he wasn't sure which one – as all of the ladies in the audience went wild for him. Again, singing all of the wrong words, as quite a lot of the singers before him had done.

_Shunsui:  
Sign your name on the dotted line  
Don't need brains if that ass is fine_

_Once you cross the L.A. Border  
You develop an eating disorder_

_Sell your soul, dance on the pole  
Bang Charlie Sheen just for a role_

_Nose jobs, tummy tucks  
These are the girls I like to... hang out with_

_Inflate your lips. Loose the hips  
See through shirts show off your nips_

He eyed all of the women in the audience as he sang, silently dedicating his part of the song to all of his fangirls and all of the sexy ladies out there who just happened to be listening. Giving out a sly smirk as he put one hand on his hip and held up the microphone with the other hand, and then flashing his pearly white teeth to the women.

And Gin, who was not-so-secretly filming him. And laughing to himself at how many comments the videos would get from all of the irate performers who starred in them. While Shunsui sang on, oblivious.

_Shunsui (continued): _

_Paparazzi is everywhere  
Oops forgot your underwear_

_Katy my Lady, I'm all up onya  
Cuz you're representin' __California_

_But you know I'd still be all up inya  
Even if that ass was from Virginia_

_And you know that you can bet your butt  
That I'd do girls from Connecticut_

_I could really fill my booty quota  
By bangin' out ho's from Minnesota_

Rangiku took that as her cue to jump forward again, to a very welcoming audience who urged her on with laughter at how outlandish these new lyrics were. So once more she held up her microphone and sang out, slightly surprised at how she could still sing properly even after drinking so much alcohol, but still enjoying her time on the stage, making fun of all the girls in California. Adding in a couple of living world celebrities to boot, just to add to the effect, while the music carried on playing as she sang the final verses of this ridiculously made up parody. With the audience going wild as soon as they finished the song and the music stopped playing.

_Ran (continued):  
California Girls we are so are desperate  
Sold our souls for fortune and fame  
Soon we'll look like __Cher__ or Melanie Griffith_

_EW EW EW EUGHHAGHH_

_"California Gurls" is so repetitive  
All Pop sounds exactly the same  
It's the same beat from that other song that Kesha did  
OH OH OH OH OH OH~_


	13. I just can't wait to be king

I agree with Skiggle, I would love to see Gin's youtube channel with all of these outrageous videos.

This one is a request for Oracal-chan. Who is also doing a bleach karaoke story. It's called 'Bleach Kareoke Madness' and its inspired by this one. I suggested the title. And imitation is flattery they say, so go check it out and review it. It would be greatly appreciated. It needs more readers/reviewers. So go check it out if you like this one~

Anyway, fic plugging aside, I hope you enjoy this one as much as I did. I tell you I giggled so much writing this one.

My Crack house rules apply though. This one is very silly and I feel immature for laughing. The silliest update yet in my opinion.

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 13: I just can't wait to be king **(Ukki feat. Shunsui**, **drunk-Yama and audience)**  
**

When Rangiku and Shunsui's song had ended and they both walked off the stage and the applause for their performance had died down, Shunsui then set about looking for Ukitake. He thought about sneaking off to the bar again, but then Rangiku would scold him and remind him of his promise to include Ukitake in all of the fun, so he moved through the bar and then found Ukitake sitting with Unohana at one of the tables. He looked up and smiled as Shunsui approached him.

"Oh hey Shunsui," he said, smiling up at him while he put down his tea, "What's up?"

Shunsui just smiled, remembering his promise to Rangiku that he would sing a song with Ukitake.

"I was wondering if you would like to sing a song with me, ya know, on the stage."

"Ohhh." Ukitake replied, looking up at his friend with really wide eyes and a rather awed expression as Shunsui looked down at him, secretly hoping that he would say he didn't want to sing. Which of course backfired because Ukitake replied him with a great enthusiasm.

"Okay then!" he answered, "let's go and sing something. I know exactly what song for us to sing!"

Shunsui groaned inwardly as he rather unwillingly let Ukitake take him by the arm and practically run over towards the DJ to request his song. With Shunsui being dragged across the room and trying to keep up with the rather excited Ukitake.

"Oh what shall we sing Shunsui?" he then asked, bouncing up and down excitedly at the DJ's booth.

"Ugh, I dunno, you pick."

"Hmmm, Oh! I know! Let's sing a Disney song!"

Shunsui groaned. If there was anything he hated more than anything else – it was Disney. In his opinion the movies sucked and the songs left so much to be desired.

"Oh, how about the Lion King! That's a good one! Let's sing that!"

"Ugh, nooo! Please Ukitake… anything but Disney! I'll die!"

"Oh nonsense Shun-Shun, it will be fun~ come on, you just have to keep an open mind!"

And with that, Shunsui was dragged onto the stage and a microphone was shoved into his hand, forced to sing a song by the dreaded Disney.

He stood awkwardly on the stage, waiting for Ukitake to give the cue to the DJ to start the music. Still trying to talk his way out of singing.

"Oh maaaan do we have to sing THIS song Ukki? IT'S EMBARRASSING!"

Ukitake just looked at him and smiled to the unsuspecting audience.

"oh come on Shun-Shun… it will be FUN! Now stop complaining or else I will sneeze my blood all over you. and I know how much you hate that."

Ugh, fine." Shunsui groaned. Oh man, now he was never going to live this down. And he was sure he had spied Gin somewhere out there with his camera, so no doubt his humiliation would end up all over the internet on some channel the humans liked to call 'youtube'.

"Oh my god why me…"

But by then the music had already started and Ukitake was almost peeing himself with excitement at the thought of singing, which only added to Shunsui's suspicions that he had put something in his tea or was on some kind or some other drug. Probably crack.

But things only got worse for Shunsui when the singing began. Despite all protests from Shunsui.

_Ukki:_  
_I'm gonna be a mighty king, so enemies beware!_

Ukitake started off with much enthusiasm. Unlike Shunsui who had to be prompted to sing by Ukitake. He had nowhere near as much enthusiasm. After all, he didn't like any of Disney's films or their songs, and currently being forced to sing one of them.

What one does for their friends…

_Shunsui:_  
_I've never seen a king of beasts_  
_With quite so little hair_

But nonetheless, he promised Rangiku that he would let Ukitake enjoy himself for a few minutes in the spotlight. So he really had no choice. He could only stand and watch and sing his parts with as much enthusiasm as he could muster while Ukki pranced about the stage singing to his favourite Disney film. Much to the delight and amusement of the audience - and also Gin, who was undoubtedly filming everything from his place amongst the audience – currently shoving his way through to the front to get a better view.

Ready to upload it to youtube as soon as he got home…

_Ukki:_

_I'm gonna be the mane event_  
_Like no king was before_  
_I'm brushing up on looking down_  
_I'm working on my roar_

_Shunsui:_  
_Thus far a rather uninspiring thing_

_Ukki:_  
_Oh, I just can't wait to be king!_

As Ukitake happily sang and got into the rhythm, some of the audience decided to join in too, although the majority of them were giggling at the overall silliness of their performance.

Aizen, the diva, was one of the people laughing from his corner. This performance was certainly the most outrageous thing he had ever witnessed, and he laughed so hard that he fell out of his chair. With Grimmjow cackling at him as he lay sprawled out on the floor, still laughing. Most of the shinigami were laughing and enjoying the fun, dancing and singing along with most of the people there. It really was quite a fun and silly song. And to watch Ukitake sing it with a rather unenthusiastic Shunsui was more than amusing.

_Ukki:_

_No one saying do this_

_Shunsui:_  
_No one saying be there_  
_No one saying stop that_  
_No one saying see here_  
_Free to run around all day_  
_Free to do it all my way!_

_Ukki:_  
_I think it's time that you and I_  
_Arranged a heart-to-heart_

_Shunsui:_  
_Kings don't need advice_  
_From little hornbills for a start_

Tousen however, was the only one who was not amused as he slouched against the bar with his arms folded. Killing the mood.

"Ugh, Disney sucks!" he said, loudly. And with a huge amount of distaste.

"Who decided to sing this crap?"

Rangiku, who just happened to be near to him, and overhearing his moaning and bitching and general badmouthing of the song and it's singers, came immediately storming over to him with a very angry look on her face. And immediately slapped him in the face.

"OW!" he cried. "What was that for?"

Rangiku glared at him, and Tousen – for once – suddenly became quite afraid.

"Nobody," she growled "And I mean nobody disses Disney."

"But I really-"

Tousen tried to protest, but she just slapped him again.

"Nobody disses Disney!" She said, watching Tousen pout and then turning back to watch the performance again. Both Ukitake and Shunsui were singing quite happily – well, Ukitake was anyway – until then they were both suddenly interrupted by a very, very drunk Yamamoto, who had just popped up out of nowhere and burst into song.

_Yama-jii:  
_

_If this is where the monarchy is headed  
Count me out  
Out of service, out of Africa  
I wouldn't hang about  
This child is getting wildly out of wing!_

Everybody stared. What the fuck? Why was he even here?

Why was he in a bar?

No, why was he even drinking?

Even after all of those emergency captain's meetings about how alcohol was bad for them… even Yamamoto drank too? This was an outrage, this was hypocrisy at its best.

But even so, like the true professionals that they were, despite the interruption Ukitake and Shunsui kept on singing. Even though the entire audience was giggling hysterically at the drunken old man's singing attempts.

_Ukki:_

_Oh, I just can't wait to be king!_

_Everybody look left!_

_Yama-jii:  
Everybody look right!_

_Shunsui:  
Everywhere you look I'm-_

By now though, all of the audience – apart from Tousen, and Aizen who was on the floor clutching his sore ribs in hysterical laughter – was really into the song and the beat of the uplifting Disney music, along with the screaming fangirls of the two performers.

_Yama-jii:_

_Standing in the spotlight!_

Yamamoto interrupted them again. Annoying Shunsui greatly. Once was fine, but three times was just too much. And he was just getting into the song too…

"Damn it Ukki, when will Yama-jii stop wrecking out performance?" Shunsui whispered quietly to Ukitake in the moments when there were no words to sing.

"I don't know, but it doesn't matter – let him have his fun…"

"Ugh alright," he groaned, a little gutted at having his parts ruined by that drunk old man. While Ukitake and the audience got more and more into the song, with Ukitake getting everybody in the audience to sing now to try to quiet the screaming fangirls. But Shunsui was just glad the song was almost over so he could go back to the bar – he would definitely need a drink after this.

_Shunsui, Ukki, Yama-jii, and audience:  
Let every creature go for broke and sing  
Let's hear it in the herd and on the wing  
It's gonna be King Simba's finest fling!_

_Ukki:  
Oh, I just can't wait to be king!_

_Shunsui:  
Oh, he just can't wait to be king!_

_Ukki:  
Oh, I just can't wait..._

_Shunsui:  
Just can't wait_

_Shunsui, Ukki, Yama-jii, and audience:  
_

_To be king!_

When the song eventually ended, the crowd went nuts, people laughed, people in the audience had sung, and Shunsui had decided that he very desperately needed a large pint of beer.

"Ukitake?"

"Yes, Shunsui?"

"Are we _done now?_"


End file.
